Yesterday an alarmist type article appeared on my computer home page. The article is about the theme of relationship infidelity, a common complication in couples whose member(s) lead unsatisfied lives, and end up searching in the wrong places for a fulfillment outside of themselves.
This article, entitled “How to Catch a Cheater” was a quick pictorial expose designed to appeal to the viewer’s built-up consciousness of fear, doubt, and suspicion; internal frequencies which probably assist the origin of the whole problem in the first place.
It is disturbing that people have to resort to sneaking around to find out if their partner is sneaking around. It seems like a lot of sneaking around. But, think about it—doesn’t aspects of our culture and institutions promote doubt, suspicion, covert activities, and other foundational aspects of shadow desire?
You can turn on your TV to any of the usual programming, or just pick up most any magazine, and there you will see a smorgasbord of strong messaging that you may not be good enough, have enough, or that you are scarce in some manner, etc. This is negative reinforcement. Many people who consume such garbage may not be able to boundary their consciousness against the kinds of messaging which keep us on the prowl for something “better.”
Don’t people know themselves well enough to know who (what) they are in relationship with in the first place?
The ironic answer to this question is that we require relationships to see ourselves in, via the mirror of self, which the relationship provides.
A major running theme of the Crestone and Beyond Journal is to see God within you, and in others. Recognizing one’s own Divinity and the Divinity in others breeds good happiness.
I think that well over half of my clients struggle significantly in their relationships with their significant others, and also with all others in general. The appearance of these 2 articles and email announcements in as many days aided my intention in posting this Journal entry.
From my days as a surgeon working with women who experienced relationship betrayal and resultant Heart grief, I was guided into the creation of Haelan Lifestream model; a way to study one’s evolution and growth in body, mind, emotion, and spirit. This study of our humanity is a Heart based model of study. The Heart is viewed as the seat of the Mind.
I have worked with many who have had to endure, and learn as best as they can, what the infidelity in their relationship is all about; why did they have to endure this life process.
The Grief Box of a lifetime must be opened, honored, and forgiven.
In all cases, relationship grief is about people who do not know their own self, they do not understand or appreciate the mirroring their partner provides as a touchstone of understanding self, they do not understand how to trust self, and they do not understand how to trust other. Trust is the major foundational operative of all relationship. This must start with self.
In the grand scheme of things, it may be hypothesized that couples attract themselves to one another just to learn many valuable life spiritual lessons. It may take some years before unconditional love and devotion to relationship holism develops.
Some couples may get together because of submerged fears which are covering old unhealed and unacknowledged grief. Relationships based on this type of foundation are common, and unless a sincere daily devotion to love and life growth and healing in the relationship emerges, then covert sneaking may emerge instead. Such deviation leads to more chaos.
At some point insight and clarity may prevail.
As stated in prior Journal entries, an addiction is any behavior which we engage in because of a fear of internal growth. In the scale of the major emotional frequencies, grief is the emotional frequency which is below fear. The grief (trauma) must be understood and forgiven in order to release the shadow fear which we use to cover and conceal the unwanted, unacknowledged, and “secret” grief.
We have many types of grief.
Some grief we are familiar with. Some grief we may be unfamiliar with as it exists in our subconscious and cellular memory. Such deeply memoried (and repressed) grief may extend deep into the preverbal period of our lives; a time period when we may have no conscious memory of anything.
Basically, traumatic grief creates a shadow fear response. We then attempt placation of the shadow fear with the next higher emotion above fear, which is shadow desire.
Shadow desire addiction (self medication) may take many forms: sexaholism, alcoholism, workaholism, gambleaholism, rageaholism, denialaholism, and others. In each form of addiction, we are attempting to medicate a fear and a pain.
If we allow our natural life growth process to unfold and guide our insight and development, we can leave this plane as healed beings. It helps if we consciously assist our life growth process and unfoldment in body, mind, emotion, and spirit.
In addition to the Entheos courses referenced above, I recommend the readings and teachings of psychic channel Eva Pierrakos, and her offerings from the Pathwork Foundation. You can visit http://www.pathwork.org.
Basically, committed relationship is a spiritual path; said by some to be one of the best types of yoga.
Please bear in mind that ideas and concepts do not usually change people. Ideas and concepts tend to keep us judging back and forth inside of our dualistic thinking; whether we agree with the idea stated, the wording, who stated it, or how it was stated.
Deep transformation happens because of an experience and an internal knowing which reaches into the subconsciousness.
Some have communicated their interest in knowing what my thoughts may be about on the subject of “when does one leave a relationship?”
I am weighing in on this subject without addressing the myriad tangents which attends such a consideration. Circumstances and relationship dynamics vary in many combinations and permutations…..
One should leave a relationship under any variety of circumstances; the most notable of which is when there is ongoing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Entrapment in such dysfunctional relationships becomes a very serious matter to deal with when one is deeply fearful to leave because of vindictive repercussions from the predator.
If you are in a relationship with a dedicated malignant narcissist, then you will need assistance from all of your allies and resources to get out, and away, from such a personality.
One has to understand one’s own trauma inventory and its residua in one’s life in order to understand the same in others. This understanding is a good touchstone.
If we do not find a way to transform our pain, then we will transmit our pain to those in our lives, or we will turn it inward against ourselves.
If you are in a relationship which is marked by varying degrees of lesser abuse and/or infidelity of other sorts, then you are at a crossroads point of decision about your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Infidelity in relationship takes many forms, not just sexual infidelity.
Staying in a relationship because of the perceived “advantages and securities” it may provide is an entanglement which creates future karmic baggage. The usual form of such sludge is truncated and unfulfilled life growth and independence.
Just this afternoon, I came upon a conversation between 2 older ladies who were jousting over the subject of “cheating.” One of them said to me, “Cheating is fun! What do you think, John?”
My demurral and silence was met with a statement, “You must be too old for that! It was fun when we were younger, wasn’t it?”
My further silence made my point. I don’t think cheating is appealing, cool, or healthy; nor do I think it provides any noteworthy benefit in the short run or in the long run.
There are circumstances and agreements in relationships when both parties disclose freely all “secrets” and are in agreement and OK-ness about the nature of the relationship and its boundaries. Such a caveat is a private matter between adults who are reconciled and in agreement about all intimate relationship concerns. It’s their business, and not my business to judge such.
I’ll close with a few anecdotes from my ever-growing self study journal. The first is from Franciscan priest and author Richard Rohr whose adapted statement is, “most Western hemisphere cultures breed in its people 2 types of wounds: one is in our sexuality, and the other is in our relationship to authority.”
You can ponder what this statement may mean inside of your life.
Back in the late 1970’s I was struggling in some relationship issues. One of my friends and mentors was the Yogi Bhajan, head of the Sikh spiritual path in the West.
Here are some good words from Yogi Bhajan:
Formula for Happiness
“Commitment will give you character.
Character will give you dignity.
Dignity will give you divinity.
Divinity will give you grace.
Grace will give you the power to sacrifice.
Power to sacrifice will give you achievement and then you’ll be happy.”
About commitment: I would add an echo to some of my own words above–commit to trust in your own being and your life process, commit to trust what you attract into your life, and commit to trust that you can continue to learn and grow from this.
My other mentor was another great yogi from India, a certain Swami, who looked at me and simply said, “Try more Love.”
These are 3 good words.
Yogi Bhajan also said, “The level in which you believe in change, is the level to which you will experience change.”
I have found all of these anecdotal words to be true and helpful in my personal journey. I am still practicing the meaning of these teachers’ words in my relationship with self and others.
Relationship is the basis of all yoga. I am referring to the yoga of life, which one does off of the mat.
Signing off from Crestone and Beyond.
Wishing you the best that Life and Love have to offer….